things that are wrong with me, personality wise. at least i think, i have yet to under go psychoanalysis.
-im a flake
-clearly insincere
-afraid to build relationships with people
-apathetic
-judgmental
-lazy
-expect to much from people
-high standards (unrealistic goals)
-self centered
-arrogant
-delusional (at least i think i am)

what i try to do to combat these
-outgoing
-friendly
-silences filled, usually at my own expense
-go out of my way to be kind/genial/generous to people
-make people feel good about themselves (compliments etc...)
-try to take an interest in others lives
-hang out with people that i normally wouldn't
-stay in touch with people that appear to like me

what i get in return
-taken advantage of
-snubbed
-judged (can't expect anything else really, 'judge not lest ye be judged')
-unwanted advances (usually in a perceived sexual nature)
-men thinking that i am attracted to them
-loneliness
-stress

what i learned
-that i think that i should maybe give people a chance though i doubt the people i meet in the future will be different from the people that i know now.
-that i dont understand the psychology of my actions
-that i wish that people in general, including myself, were not so afraid to be honest with the people around them. i lie a lot because i think that im protecting them, but im protecting myself.
-many of the cool people that i meet i don't keep in touch with, but it's the assholes that i surround myself with. why? who the fuck knows.
-i want people to like me for me, which in respect to society today does not appear to be that hard of a task, however, i appear to be unable to connect with most people.
-i am really distant
-that everytime i write an entry like this i feel cathartic, though it reinforces many of the conceptions i have about myself. is this ironic?

i can't seem to chose what i want to be; the sad, pathetic person that refuses to change based on fear and principle but craves the love from those around, or the strong willed, contented lonely person that requires nothing from no one. the sad thing is, i'm too stubborn to flow with the former, nor am i genius enough (haha, not at all more like it) to get away with the latter.

I've been thinking about The Catcher in the Rye a lot lately, as well as the conversation that I had with a boy in bar downtown Toronto about Holden and the story in general. The conversation and its aftermath reflect one another in a scary way. At the moment I am sitting at home, after coming back from an evening surrounded by (well, in the company of) people who I am pretty sure like me and here i am, writing a sad, lonely livejournal entry that surly i would be the only one to read, (though i make all my entries public as i no longer need to hide the contents of this journal) proclaiming the reasons that i appear to be disconnected from the very people that i realistically writing to. i believe that i am summing myself in the most accurate, though clearly pathetic way possible. its hard to believe that the event that spurned this entry was the lack of people on my floor in rez that have not written on my facebook wall for the duration of the break to tell me they've missed me. i am forced to believe that i am not missed, and that i am correct in my assumptions that i've made about the people i know in the present. there is a reason that i am the person that i am, and i don't ever think that i will find the true reasons behind my actions.

i recognize that much of what i said doesn't make a lot of sense. i've not written a long entry in a while, and i feel as though my lack of practice has not only allowed me to meander all over the page, but come off as silly and pretentious. the spelling and grammar mistakes that i am sure appear all over this entry are surly to unimpress those interested enough to read this garble, though some how seems to perfectly embody everything that i'm struggling with at the moment. for the sake of clarity, i went back and attempted to spell/grammar check much of what i had written. unfortunately, as much as i like my own writing, i cannot seem to reread this entry. i apologize.

I never, ever, ever want to have another MRI again. Ever.

ALLYCIA NEEDS SOMEONE. PLEASE FIND.

I have a place to live second year! HOOORAY!

So, I've learned something new again. I know that it's hard to believe that I would learn anything, well, ever... so I think that this is pretty shocking. You may be wondering what piece of information this is, and amazingly enough his has to do with an inflated ego. Yes, I believe that I was duped by my own ego. The crux of this story is I keep thinking I know what guys are feeling, especially when it comes "like" factor. Needless to say, I'm silly, boys don't like me and I need to keep finding this story funny or I'll go nuts.

=)

so im going through a little bit of something. i used to think that the only thought that would make me feel like this is that i'm utterly unfriendable and will be lonley forever. now its the thought that im completely unattractive to my favourite demographic. no matter what i try to do to not be the idiot who completely falls over themselves when there is a boy problem, however, im actually in pieces right now. shit son, i guess i still get all tingly when it comes to love afterall.

Here's a toast to enjoying a day wrapped up in a comforter, lounging in pyjama's, sipping a Grande Caramel Macchiato and enjoying a book filled with sordid love and courtly gestures. Cheers!

I don't fit in with the girls and I don't fit in with the guys. I'm fucking destined to be lonely.

I just learned that one of my co-workers, one of my friends at Centreville, died. I can deal with this, but it'll take some time. Wow, though, Jeremy... he was a good guy and I'm sad that no one else will get to meet him...

That makes it a grand total of two bars where I can get served if I show enough T and straighten my hair!

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be home. I just realized I have to quit debate, because I have class conflicting with both of the meetings. =(

I have a facebook account. Finally. I've joined the revolution. Add me?

My dad keeps rubbing it in my face that he excelled at his post secondary endeavor (which I won't describe for the sake of my belittling him, at least behind his back) and I'm not doing so hot. My New Years Resolution, actually put forth an effort. If I still fail, then fuck it and go to college. If I end up doing well, I get to stick it to the man that pretends to support me.

And in New Years News: I apparently need and MRI and possible knee surgery. 2007 and shaping up to be a bang up year. The good news, minimum wage was increased again which means that I might actually take up my summer job again, though I want to work at Starbucks. Still wondering whether or not I'm going to live in London for the summer. =S

Also, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? What does it mean?! Seriously, I've got no idea, but after finally re-reading Half-Blood Prince again, I've got a renewed interest in the series. Squee!

ABBY! I just got your Christmas card! I thought it was wonderful! Thanks so much for the Starbucks card! Nothing else will get me through my exams!

I MISS YOU!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, (clearly when I should be studying) and I'm beginning to think that I should go to college instead. I realize that I'm already at a very good university and any anxiety I'm feeling at the moment about not being good enough is pish-posh (umm... yeah, pish-posh is actually what came to mind and now I'm a little afraid) and would be remedied if I cracked a book every once in while. However, I've been thinking (again, instead of studying) that perhaps what I want to do in life is different than the reason that I came here. I know that there is little chance that I'm going to get into my program in second year, but do not fret, as of late I have decided to grab the academic bull by the horns and try. If trying fails (which I think may be my biggest fear) I will go to college. See, I think that all is alright. I think. I hope. Only two more exam left. Then I can go home. I can't wait to see everyone!

I really have to stop being so angry at everyone. It's not their fault they are the way they are, just as it's not my fault I am the way I am. They're water, I'm oil. I just don't mix well with people.

Okay, firstly, the first 16 days of this month are going suck balls for me.
Secondly, WHY OH FUCKING WHY DID I HAVE TO GET THE ROOMMATE THAT SNORES. Yeah, okay, she has a cold or whatever, but I'm on the edge here, I have an essay do later today that is not yet complete that I want to sleep so I can have one last go at it but won't be able to because she is sawing the air with her face. FUCK.

I hate to admit that I think I may be addicted to Dragostea din tei. If you had told me that in my first year I would be dancing around my room learning the words to a Romanian pop song, I'm pretty sure I would laughed in your face then hit you. Now I'm here and I have to say...

Nu ma nu ma iei! Nu ma nu ma nu ma iei!

http://www.ugoplayer.com/music/napoleonnumadance.html
this site makes me happy =)

I am -so- much more angsty than I thought. Happy Birthday Abby! I hope I'm not too late or too early... If I am, pretend that I wrote this on that day and know that I mean it so much.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO PUT VIDEO'S ON MY iPOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah yeah!